Starting this blog and my initial daily entries may have been a symptom of my hypomania. It wasn’t a bad thing, necessarily. I was productive! I was proud of myself. I was doing something I hadn’t done in a long time: writing for fun.
I don’t regret lowering my dosage of my mood stabilizer. I needed to know the safe level for me, for pregnancy. I don’t regret losing sleep. I don’t regret my endless energy and productivity.
I didn’t get to the point where I have regrets, because I was in close contact with my doctor on my journey from 1200 mg to 300 mg. Now back up to 450 mg, because 300 mg was just too low.
It was hard to talk about – but I did. I felt embarrassed. I liked how I was feeling. I was enjoying it. There was nothing wrong with most of what happened. I didn’t let myself get to the place where I had regrets. I noticed myself feeling flirtatious, and we nipped it in the bud.
For three days I went up to 600 mg, and tomorrow I’ll go down to 450 – not as low as I’d gone but still much lower than where I’d started. The risk to my future fetus is lower. Not gone, but I need this. I also need to get my sleep back on track and under control, especially before work starts up again next week, so it’s extra medication nightly for a while.
My psychiatrist talks to a high-risk OB-GYN. He said that insulin carries more of a risk to the fetus than the lithium I take, but NO ONE would tell a pregnant diabetic to stop taking it.
I need this medication. I know if something happens to my baby, I will probably struggle with guilt. I am trying to make peace now that I’m doing what’s best for me, Jason, and our not-yet-conceived children.
I am no longer embarrassed. My doctor has heard it all. She and my therapist stressed how important it was that I was honest, and that they were proud of me.
I want to take care of myself and my future children and my relationships. This is important. This is vital.